


Welcome Home!

by MiladyDragon



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Crack, Gwen Bashing, M/M, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-10
Updated: 2012-12-10
Packaged: 2017-11-20 18:29:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/588381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiladyDragon/pseuds/MiladyDragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack comes home from his time with the Doctor to discover that Gwen thinks she's the Last Torchwood Agent Standing.</p>
<p>Yeah, right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome Home!

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for my Long Live Ianto Bingo Prompt: Mary Sue/Marty Stu. And really, who's the biggest Mary Sue in Torchwood? So I not only wrote this to fill a prompt but to poke fun at a certain Ms Cooper, because I just couldn't help myself.

 

Gwen Cooper opened the door of her flat, to reveal…

“Jack!  You’re home!”  she squealed in sheer happiness.

Tugging him into the flat, Gwen enveloped him in a hug.  Then, after a few seconds – or minutes, depending on one’s point of view – she pulled away and slapped him.

Hard.

“What was that for?” he asked, rubbing his cheek.

“You left us, Jack!” she accused.  “We had no idea where you were!  Ianto said something about a doctor, and I know you once made a comment about the right kind of doctor, but getting a physical exam doesn’t mean you get to vanish for three months!”

‘I know, and I’m sorry,” Jack answered.  “And it wasn’t a physical –“

“It doesn’t matter,” she interrupted.  “As long as you’re back.” She linked her arm through his and led him to the sofa. 

Gwen couldn’t believe how happy she was to have her Jack back.  It had been a rough couple of months, but now they could do what they needed to do to in order to save the world.

‘I went by the Hub –“

“Oh, that,” Gwen waved her hand as she sat down next to him.  She had the urge to climb into his lap, but it seemed like Jack wanted to talk first.  “It blew up.”

Jack went pale.  “What do you mean, it blew up?”

Gwen rolled her eyes at him.  “That’s what I said.  But that’s not important –“

“Not important?  Gwen, it was the Hub!” 

“We can rent an office of something if you feel we need to.”

“It was also my home!” he exclaimed.

“We can go out flat-hunting tomorrow!  Or you can stay here, that would be even better.  We can use this flat as our base, and we wouldn’t have to rent anything!”  She was excited about the prospect.  She could decorate as she pleased, and maybe they could use the money on an office for a new wardrobe for Jack…

“What about Rhys?” Jack demanded.  “And what about the rest of the team?”

“Oh, I Retconned Rhys,” she said breezily.  “After the Hub was destroyed and the team was gone –“

“What do you mean, ‘the team is gone’?”

Gwen huffed.  She wished Jack would quit interrupting her.  “Well, if they’d followed my orders, they wouldn’t have ended up dead.”

The expression on Jack’s face made Gwen wonder if he was constipated.  “What…?”

“First of all…I have no idea why you even hired Ianto.  He was completely useless in the field.  It’s no wonder he was clawed by that Weevil!  I tried to train him, but he wouldn’t listen to a thing I said.”

“Ianto’s…dead?” Jack whispered. 

Gwen could feel him shaking, and she wondered if he was cold.  Maybe she should turn off the air conditioning.   “I said he was.  It was too bad, because I haven’t had a decent cup of coffee since.”

“And…” Jack swallowed, “the rest of the team?”

“I tried to warn Toshiko about that alien tech, but she ignored me.  She touched it, and the Hub blew up.  It was just lucky that I wasn’t in it when it did, or else there wouldn’t have been anyone left to run Torchwood while you were gone.  As it was, I had just what equipment was in my car but I managed to take care of things alone.  It helped that the Rift hasn’t really done anything, at least not that I know of.”

“Both Owen and Tosh?” Jack squeaked.

“Yes, but that just goes to prove that I’m the best of the team for having survived, especially over the silly Tea Boy.  I proved I’m perfect for you by being the only one living through it all!  And now that you’re back we can start all over!”  Gwen bounced in her seat, feeling positively giddy.  “Just you and me…running Torchwood the way it was meant to be run!  It’ll be great!”  She moved closer, practically cuddling him.  “And then…we can be together like we were destined to be.  We’ll save the world!”

Jack suddenly jerked to his feet, practically tossing Gwen off the couch.  She pouted up at him.  “What was that for?”

Her Captain was breathing hard.  “I…I have to get out of here,” he stammered.  Not even looking at her – or kissing her, which she would have preferred he do – he left the flat, and left Gwen disappointed.

She huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.  He’d be back.  He didn’t have a choice.  Besides, Gwen knew how Jack really felt about her. 

 

**********

 

Jack stumbled out of Gwen’s flat, feeling sick to his stomach.

His entire team…gone.

Ianto was gone.

He’d used his memories of Ianto to get him through that year with the Master, and to come back and find him dead…and the wretched Gwen Cooper practically crowing over his corpse…

Jack walked away.

He didn’t get very far though when he felt someone grab him by the arm and pull him into an alley he was passing.

Jack had to admit he wished it was a Weevil or something, because he really wanted to take his pain out on something.

Instead, he was slammed against the wall and kissed to within an inch of his extremely long life by a pair of very familiar lips.

“Jesus, Tea Boy, let the man breathe.”

Jack pulled away from the lips currently molesting him and wondered if he’d died and had stayed that way this time.  “Gwen said you were all dead!” he exclaimed.

“Yeah well,” Owen said rolling his eyes, “Cooper’s an idiot.”

Jack looked at his team…his dead team.  They were all there, and he wanted to be mad at them for being dead even though they weren’t.  “What the hell happened?” he demanded.

Ianto went to move away, and Jack dragged him back with an arm around his waist.  There was no way he was letting his lover go anytime soon. 

“Gwen was driving us all insane,” Toshiko explained.  “She kept insisting that she was in charge because you’d hired her as Second in Command, when we all knew that you’d named Owen that after Suzie died.   Not even two weeks after you’d left she got Ianto killed –“

“Wait a second,” Jack interrupted.  “Ianto got killed?”  Okay, had grief done something to his mind?

“I’m fine, Jack,” Ianto reassured him.  “Turns out I’m immortal, like you are.”

“What?”  Jack examined his lover closely.  “How did that happen?”

“Owen thinks it was the kiss of life you gave me after…well, after Lisa killed me.”  Talking about his ex-girlfriend was still a sore subject, and Jack completely understood. 

“Yeah, well Cooper wasn’t around when Tea Boy here resurrected,” Owen went on.  “That’s when we decided we were gonna Retcon her and get rid of her.”

“If she could callously push Ianto in front of a rampaging Weevil,” Toshiko added, “then none of us wanted to be around her.”

Jack growled, tightening his grip on his lover.

“It’s fine, Jack,” Ianto reiterated.  “I’m fine.”

“But the Retcon didn’t work,” Owen snorted.  “We thought if we got a different dosage, it would be fine.  But she showed up the next morning just as chipper and arrogant as ever.”

“We still don’t know how she broke it,” Ianto admitted.  “So, we decided to blow up the Hub instead.”

“Only we didn’t,” Toshiko added.  “She just thinks we did,”

“So,” Jack said, “you all faked your deaths and simulated destroying the Hub just to get rid of Gwen?”  He couldn’t help but grin.  “That’s fantastic.”

“It was Ianto’s idea,” Owen said.  “Luckily for us Gwen didn’t see him in the Hub that morning.  I wouldn’t’ve wanted to explain why he wasn’t dead anymore.”

Ianto blushed slightly under the praise, but then Jack had always known his Welshman was brilliant. 

“We just missed you at the Hub,” Toshiko said.  “We lock it down completely when we have to leave, just in case Gwen decides to try to get access.”

“She’s tried a couple of times,” Ianto replied.  “But we wiped all her codes and had everything shut down.  She didn’t get in.”

“When we got back we noticed that the CCTV had been tripped,” Toshiko went on.  “When we saw it was you we tried to get to you before you saw Gwen…but we were too late.”

“Sorry about that, Harkness,” Owen murmured.  “We didn’t want her to tell you that we’d died.”

Jack laughed.  He couldn’t help it.  He gathered his team up for a group hug, Owen protesting all the way.  “I’m so glad to see all of you!” he cried.  “Don’t ever put me through that again!”

He let them go only after Owen began complaining loud enough to draw every Weevil in the area to them.  “Now,” Jack said, “let’s get back to work.  I want to know how you’ve managed to hide your activities from Gwen…”

The four of them headed back to the Hub, arm in arm.  Jack couldn’t have been happier.

 

**********

 

Gwen sighed, looking out the window once more.  It had been hours since Jack had left, and now she was doubting that it had been a good idea to let him go.  He was probably on some building somewhere, and he’d come back when he was ready.

And he would be.  She knew that.  There was no Torchwood without Gwen Cooper.  She was the best, after all.  She and Jack could rule the world.


End file.
